In my journey towards healing from my postpartum anxiety, I have really felt called to energy healing. I just intuitively feel out of balance energetically, so I thought reiki would be worth a shot. . I had a crystal reiki session about a year ago to help me with a separation and the grief that came along with it, and it was really effective. Like way more effective than I expected. In fact, I haven’t had any of the jealousy and guilt that I was attaching to that loss come up since the session. So yesterday I went to see the same healer for another session to focus on the crippling fear I’ve been having.
I walked in and started to drink the glass of water she had poured for me. When detoxing emotionally, mentally and spiritually, hydration is a MUST! Of course. We started by discussing my fear, what triggers it and where I feel it. She locked eyes with me the whole time in a way that felt very supportive. I felt very heard. She reminded me that my mind is not me. That there is a deeper me. She reminded me about how resisting the negative feelings would just encourage them to come back stronger. Instead, she suggested, as have multiple therapists and healers, that I find a way to sit with the feelings. To hold that part of myself that is projecting and believing in these fears as I would hold a small child, with care, reassurance, and compassion. I understood all these concepts intellectually, but finding the courage to sit with the feelings has always been my challenge. That’s why I came here.
After talking, I lay down face up on her table. I kept my clothes on but took my shoes off, climbing under a light sheet. The temperature in the room was perfect and she had relaxing music playing. She began by saying a prayer over me, standing above my head. She welcomed my angels, guides, ancestors, and the divine. She established her role as a channel for this energy coming from the divine, through her, to me. She did some other initiation-type practices quickly then we began a visualization together. In the visualization, I saw and felt energy coming from the earth mother through my earth chakra, flowing up my spine and out of my crown chakra at the top of my head. After the energy flows through the crown it cycles back down to my feet and back up my spine, and so on. It was very easy to see the energy and I began feeling it strongly throughout my body. I saw it as a bright white flowing light that sparkled with deep purple flecks.
I held this visualization for a few minutes. Then she began using a tool and intuition to feel each of my chakras. She was able to feel if each chakra was under-active, over-active, or balanced. She placed various crystals as a grid over my body to support energy balancing at each chakra. As she did this I felt warm swirls of energy at each point. I also felt this energy at varying intensities swirl around other areas including my arms, legs, hands and feet. I was deeply relaxed and as she continued to work with the crystals and energy to balance each chakra, I went into various levels of consciousness. At moments it felt like I was sleeping, yet intensely aware, feeling my body deeply. Sometimes I began to fall into a dream-like state as random-seeming visions began to flash through my mind. It was euphoric. I was sublimely blissed out when I was suddenly filled with a deep sense of terror. Like being dropped right in the middle of a panic attack. I felt the fear through my whole body and my mind started screaming, “Open your eyes!” “Get out of here!” “This is not safe.” But my body didn’t move. I was in such an energetic yet relaxed state that I was able to just sit with the fear. My mind quieted almost instantaneously. I knew to just sit and hold the fear. And I did. It passed quite quickly and I dove into other consciousness and dream states. A few minutes later I was jerked back to that fear awakening again. It shook my whole body. Again I wanted so badly to run away and escape. But I don’t think I could have run if I wanted to and I had the awareness to know that I REALLY NEEDED to sit with the fear. And I reminded myself that it would pass. And it did. Even quicker this time. Throughout our 90 minute session the fear entered me about 6 or 7 times like this. It was like riding a wave that took me up and down through the spectrum of consciousness from enlightened to terrified, but each time I felt the fear it was less and less intense. It passed quicker and quicker. Until, it didn’t come up anymore.
Soon, she gently brought me back into my body. Like coming out of savasana, I started by slowly moving my fingers and toes. Her soothing voice guided me through a quick prayer to thank the angels, guides, ancestors and divine. She placed a grounding crystal, a giant black tourmaline, in my left hand to hold and I noticed she had removed the crystals that she had placed on and around my body. She had set them out on a table just as they had been used on my body. After slowly coming back I began to feel more grounded. (The black tourmaline was very helpful!). As she walked me through each chakra, she recorded herself and sent me the recording along with a photo of the crystal grid. She explained that my base chakra, along with all other chakras besides my throat chakra, were under-active. She said this was to be expected and that it made sense that all the fear was stifling my energy. That’s EXACTLY what I have been feeling! Like the fear has been sucking out all my energy and focus. Paralyzing me and my good work. She went through each chakra and described the energy she put in to balance it. I found it so interesting that my throat chakra was balanced because throughout this battle with fear, I have felt that my one weapon has been communication. Speaking my truth. I have been able to clearly communicate my thoughts and feeling with loved ones, healers and therapists. And I feel really called to share my journey, in hopes that it can bring hope and insights to others going though this journey.
In love and light.